What not to play at an 80's party.(by
DJ Jim Costello)
There was some great Music in the charts of the 1980s however
there was also some very poor pop, which was made just to
make money. Also some of the sickly stuff like Kylie and
Jason's especially for you or Glenn Medeiros nothings going
to change my love, has dated terribly, and it should be
in my what not to play list. However in the 80's these records
were often used as Wedding first dance records, and will
hold special memories for people, and as such I can not
included them. Other really, really naff stuff, like Aggado,
stars on 45, and charity records also escape because these
tunes were "of the moment" and at the time were
just a bit of fun, designed to get people on the dance floor.
Charity records were in reaction to an emergency and a way
to motivate people to make a contribution to a good cause.
The cause is good even if the record is rubbish. For me
the worst music is always gong to be the novelty record.
These records may tell a funny story that's not so funny
after hearing it for the tenth time. These are records a
DJ has to waste money on, and after a week or two will get
on every ones nerves, novelty records make up most of my
worst of the 80s selection. I do include a couple of stars
on 45 spin offs because these tunes overworked the formula
and I think there are limits.
I Hope not to offend anyone who may like
any of these tunes, so I have given my reasons that each
record is on my "What not to play at a 80's party list."
In no particular order here is my list of tunes an 80's
music DJ should avoid.
Laurie Anderson's - O superman
This was a very strange mix of talking and not much music,
I could never understand why this tune got so high in the
charts. I think it was a number two but it was really boring.
The Brat - Chalk dust
In reaction to one of John Maceroes famous tennis tantrums
he saw "Chalk dust" "I cant believe it either"
Joe Dolce - Shaddap you Face
I could be wrong but I think this was one of the two records
that kept Vienna by Ultrovox from hitting the top spot.
The Tweets - Birdie song
Grans of the world unite. When this record was in the charts
(about 1981) It was a sure fire floor filling smash for
the 70 something's, so if you book me for your 100th birthday
party I will be sure to bring it with me.
Paul McCartney - Frog song
Was this also called we all stand together, no sit down,
lie down and fall asleep to this one. In any case its terrible.
Spitting image - Chicken song
Really this should be excused on the grounds its simply
highlighting the fact that
- Novelty records are Rubbish
- Novelty records take five minutes to make, and are pointless
beyond the fact they exploit the record buying public
- People who buy them are stupid
Yes I did buy this record, the extended 12 inch with a
remix on the b side. However at the time it was number one
in the charts I remember getting a request for it, and it
caused a dance floor walk off.
Black Lace - Superman (however quite liked
aggado and at kids parties we sometimes play do the conga
)
I always thought aggado was quite a catchy tune its got
simply, cherie lyrics, Super man on the other hand is slow
and boring with a silly boring party dance routine, it will
work well on that 100th birthday party if nobody wants to
dance.
Minder - What are we gonna get er indoors
Forget singing the theme tune, Arthur and terry should
have also stayed indoors, This was a very lame christmas
record, in an attempt to cash in the huge success of 80's
tv show Minder. Er indoors would not have been happy to
get this festive flop from Gorge Cole and Dennis Waterman
for Christmas.
The Firm - Arthur Daleys (e's alright)
This novelty record played on the popularity of TV show
Minder which was a massive hit for ITV in the early to mid
80's. The gullible record buying public deserves no mercy,
to let this get into the charts, we must have been minder
mad.
The Firm Star trekking
Building on their earlier classic works Star trekkin, I
think got to number One in the charts in. Based on the brilliant
star trek series, this may have been a party record, but
not as we know it.
st Winifreds school choir - There's no one
quite like Grandma
Perhaps they where trying to kill her off
by boring her to death, sick bag on stand by, Sorry Gran
that 100th we been talking about I'll do it then and not
before.
Wonder Dog - Ruff mix
A record producer discovered how to add samples to a backing
track and the sample he choose was that of a dog barking
to the beat.We must have been barking mad to buy this one.
As bad as what the dog turns his dinner into. Simon Cowell
had something to do with this right rough mix. Less X factor
and more shXt factor.
Rory Bremner - N-n-n-n-nineteen Not Out
This was a tune I steered clear and I don't think I bought
this, so I cant really remember it that well. However it
was a spoof of Paul Hardcastles 19 and was something about
cricket. For that 100th birthday party we can adapt it a
bit N-n-n-n-n-Ninety Nine Not out.
Morris minor and the mg's - Stutter rap
Very politically incorrect comedy record, a spoof of the
VW badge wearing Beastie boys, I think comedian Tony Hawks
was involved in this one.
Roland rat - Rat Rap
Saved TV am but this didn't stop him punishing us by making
several songs, can only remember this one.
Kenny Everate - Snot rap
Kenny was great, very funny and at the time I may even
have like this tune(for about 5 minutes)
Harry Enfield - Loads of money
Look at my wad, at the time I loved the Loads of money
character, but now regret making Mr Enfield's wad that bit
bigger by buying this tosh.
Fred Wedlock - Oldest swinger in town
At the time not even the old folk liked this one, I did
a bowling club party back in about 1982, and everyone seemed
to me to be of very senior years, they were dancing to some
disco music when, for the sake of variety played this. Some
bloke of about 75 came over and threaten to punch me in
the face if I took the micky again.
Keith Harris plus Orville - Orville's song
Yuck. Sorry but Orville defiantly laid a rotten egg.
Toy dolls - Nellie the elephant
I have a recollection the Toy dolls were a punk band, and
just made this to pay the bills. If that was the case then
good luck to them. It worked for about two weeks before
the shine of novelty wore thin and this tune would never
work in an 80's party today.
Mc Mike - Holiday rap
Holiday was a good enough tune, if it needed a rap in it
Mike should ave given the mic back to Madonna.
Vanessa Paridis - Joe le taxi
Sickly, syrup sort of song. Not a Wedding one so its on
the bad list. It scores extra minus points because at the
time I liked it, and quite often I caught myself humming
the darn thing. I am ashamed of myself.
Pump up the bitter - Stars on 45 (pints)
Like most of these records I would have bought it at the
time but never actually played it so I cant remembered much
about it, except it was a spoof of the novelty format stars
on 45. I know Chas and Dave also did a similar spoof ie
stars over 45 which I haven't included, but Chas and Dave
have never taken themselves seriously, their just out to
enjoy themselves and so should we. Pump up the bitter however,
was a play on a 1987 number one record M.A.RS pump up the
volume which it self started life as the B side to the far
superior Cybils my love is guaranteed. Also it was released
about 5 or 6 years after the stars on 45 series and was
no longer relevant. Its a worn out spoof of a b side, how
low can you go.
Happy Talk - Captain Sensible
Originally a tune from south pacific Happy Talk was a
number one back in about 1982. Captain sensible was formerly
the drummer from the Dammed. Maybe he was doing his own
thing, making a few quid and the joke was on us. I remember
this tune entered the charts at around 33, and radio one
DJ Dave Lee Travis said how much he loved it, and next week
it was at number one. No 70's punk rocker should ever have
been reduced to this, playing Rogers and Hamerstein and
getting recommended by DLT. Happy talk might sound ok as
a ring tone though.
Neil hole in my shoe
Young ones, great. Soppy Neil as a singer sorry no. I can
excuse him and rest of the young ones gang doing Living
doll with sir Cliff, because it was for Charity (imaging
Smash and nicey saying that). But Hole in My shoe and the
follow up single (which was something about a white Bicycle
cant exactly remember) was just an attempt to trade in the
stupid record buying public insatiable demand for novelty
records.
Camouflage Stan Ridgway
I am not sure if this was really for real. Strangely this
tune worked in so many ways, catchy and with reasonable
production however it was just the odd subject matter that
I didn't understand, A marine caught in a barrage saved
by a solider called camouflage. Odd.
Anita Dobson - Any one can fall in love
She may be married to that PHD Star gazing guitarist from
queen but Angie should have stayed behind the bar at the
Queen Vic and never dreamt of doing the the eastenders theme
to music. Any one can fall in Love well Den didn't think
that way.
Lulu - Shout
The original 1965 lulu recording of this record , made
when she was about 15 years old is a masterpiece. In 1986
someone said lets re-record shout and jazz it up a bit,
80's style. Its Naff, Lame and made the original unplayable
for about 5 years.
Frankie goes to hollywood - Rage hard
Its only on this list because my local record shop actually
gave away copies of this record to help it chart. After
the unbelievable success of their previous work it was a
desperate attempt to stop the evitable fall into chart obscurity.
If they didn't manage to get all the way to Hollywood, Frankie
should have gone home gracefully.
Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Hooked on
classics
A load of classical music samples were strung together
with a backing drumbeat to jazz it up. I remember this being
played on top of the pops, Teenagers bopping around to the
sounds of Mozart and Beethoven etc is just not right. I
am not saying classical music is rubbish but its wrong to
give it the stars on 45 treatment. Some people might have
thought It would help bring classical music to the record
buying masses but instead it was pants. You had to be Brahms
and Liszt to dance to this one.
Damien - Time Warp
Its ok as a party dance, I far prefer a recording from
the original Broadway production.
Jive Bunny - Every thing by Jive Bunny
Stars on 45 rip off merchants. However I have some medley
type records that predate stars on 45 so I am sure this
format will some be back in vogue and in the charts.
I also thought to include Lobo in my worst
80's music list but didn't however I thought I would mention
it, just in case you thought I missed it. For those who
don't know Lobo made another stars on 45 style track this
time with the sounds of the Caribbean. I think however it
works, I haven't played it for many years but if I had it
with me and if a record like Hot, hot, hot worked well then
this tune could well end up on my play list for the night.
Other naff records sometimes include charity
records, often these records might be rubbish but the are
well meant, so are not in this list. There was an explosion
of charity records in the 80's which was started by Band
Aid. Everyone was recording for any charity they could because
it was the in thing to do. My sister who worked for an employment
agency and my brother in law who worked for john Lewis where
invited to sing on the song Wishing well for great Ormond
street Hospital. They were invited by their friend who was
producing the record and wanted numbers to fill up the back
row in the photos. I am not 100% sure this story is correct
and in the end they did not sing on the record but some
years later they told me the same friend had come back from
america where he had bought some film of an alien autopsy.
There was an an elaborate cover story involving the president,
the CIA and a Wedding. It seems bizarre now but because
my sister believed the story so did I, and I told many others
who in turn believed it. Did any one see that film with
Ant and Dec?
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